A theme has arisen this week where I have had a couple of clients question me on being assertive and handling aggressive people. I remember being taught to stay calm and speak quietly when faced with aggression but lets look at that for a moment. If you feel angry or upset about something and you go to someone who says quietly and calmly “Yes, I see…Yes, well no need to get angry” or “Oh dear you are upset, calm down” How does that make you feel? Do you feel frustrated and even more angry when someone is so calm and quiet? Does it even make you want to try and make the other person feel like you do too? At least then they would understand wouldn’t they?

If you know about NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming) you will know that this has a completely different take on handling aggression. In NLP terms “pacing” is a technique that I have found invaluable. Not just for handling anger and disruption during a speech but also in day to day discussions and when coaching executives. If you “match” the other person’s tone and pace BUT use positive calming language the effects are much better. If we take the example of someone who challenges a speaker duing a presentation. Let’s assume they suddenly shout out “What did you say, I strongly disagree with that view, no way is that correct” Not following the NLP route you may respond calmly “Please, I’d prefer it if you wouldn’t interrupt the session” This could lead to further comments or angry remarks as usually the “disrupter” is wanting attention. Following the NLP model you would respond as follows: Keeping the same tone and pace “Yes I see you strongly disagree with me and I’d like to hear your views, let’s speak after my presentation” This has two concequences: Firstly it shows that you respect the “disrupter” even though they have not respected you and second that you have really heard what he said as you used “his” or “her” language. (another NLP technique) and matched the pace and tone of the person. Also it enables you both to save face in a difficult situation.
It is very useful to stop and consider just who these supposedly “difficult disruptive people” are. As a matter of fact they are just like you or me but at this time they are feeling anxious, hurt or frustrated. They may feel powerless to express their opinion and this comes out more aggressive in the heat of the moment then they had intended. It is always up to you and your attitude and demeanour in a situation like this. If you stay in control, speak with authority and remain calm but firm, you will win through. It is up to you whether or not you allow one person to disrupt your speech. There will always be the typical “know-it-all” and the eager “must-get –a word-in” or the sarcastic “you must be joking” types. It is they who have the problem and are seeking attention or a sense of personal worth. Keep in mind that most people will want to hear what you have to say, so keep your cool and stay focused. Above all do not take the disturbance personally or let it affect your delivery.
Jackie Arnold